unique individuals

i like the snow, even when everyone else is sick of it. i want to be a mom to every kid without a mom. i wish starshollow was a real place. while i'm on that i also wish, neverland, narnia, middle-earth, and forks were real places. i was joking about the last place. i don't like pudding. i'm terrified of marriage but i want it more than almost anything. i wanna go to ireland and meet some hunk while taking a walk. my biggest pet peeve in the world is being talked down to. for as much as i've had to deal with on behalf of my friends i ought to be an old woman. i wanna write books. painting is bliss. i don't get angry easily. i hate cats. i love horses but i can't stand riding them. i'm addicted to LOST. i can't wait to see how it ends but i never want it to end. watching snl whether from the 70s or from today makes me happy. when i watch movies with people i'll point someone out in the movie and ask if my hair is as long as theirs and i get upset if it's not the answer i wanted. i miss sydney, australia all the time. certain smells bring back memories to me. also, i love it when people write giant paragraphs like this with random things about themselves. it helps me see them as a unique individual.

i haven't been bored in 6 months...

i've been so busy the past 6 months that i honestly haven't had a bored moment. but now that i am on break for Christmas; visiting family, supposed to be seeing old friends, "resting"... i find myself having no idea what to do with myself.

i badly want to call upon the depth in me to perhaps do some writing or have a revelation of some kind but i feel like i've lost my depth. i used to feel like a genuinely deep person. i had a friend tell me once that i was a "genuinely deep person" i wasn't pretending to be deep. can you lose that? can you lose an attribute? and if i'm no longer deep, does that make me shallow?

recently a friend of mine was giving a message at a local youth group and in it he said that the deep in us calls to the deep in God. (for those that are in God) when he said that i had already been thinking about the depth in me whether it was gone or missing or hiding or what. that sentence stuck with me. the deep in us calls to the deep in God. what exactly does that mean? my first thought was the word "calls" in that sentence would also mean "longs" that the deep in us long for the deep in God. a few days later at church someone read this:

Psalm 42 [NASB]
1As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
2My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?
3My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
4These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me
For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.
5Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
6O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
7Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
8The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.
9I will say to God my rock, "Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go (mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
10As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,
While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
11Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

not that it cleared everything up by any means. but it gave me a bible reference for what he said. i'm not worried about where my depth has gone. if it is gone...

perhaps i've grown so much in wisdom that the depth i once had seems minuscule anymore.

that'd be keen.

spill of thoughts

i just got finished being a nanny/third parent for several months to three adorable screaming little kids. my understanding of maternal love is very strong now. kids and babies can worm their way into your hearts almost like nothing else. eventually your thoughts are not even your own anymore, they revolve around the babies at home. then, when pulled away from that sort of life, you almost don't know what to do with yourself.

this is the place i am currently in.

i feel like a grown up child. my responsibilities and what people expect from me jump around faster than... a rabbit? do they jump fast? maybe a kangaroo. whenever i think i have myself figured out i seem to suddenly forget everything that i had just figured out about myself.

i miss having a car seat in the back of my car.

subject change.

randomness....
i had a thought the other day about how funny it would have been if someone had gone to the premier of the new Star Trek movie dressed as a Star Wars character then got totally pissed when they realized they'd messes that up.

current media of mine.

i finally saw the movie House after having read the book a couple years ago in preparation for the movie that seemed to have evaporated then suddenly surfaced on dvd. naturally, i couldn't remember the book in the best detail after waiting a couple years.

a trilogy i'm currently hooked on, The Mortal Instruments -- it's like Harry Potter meets Twilight and they get along real great.

i'm soon going to tackle War and Peace. it's the longest book i own and i've yet to read it, i already know i love Tolstoy because of Anna Karenina (or as my copy oddly is, Anna Karenin, no a at the end.)

also i'm slowly descending into poetry. very slowly, and only the ones i understand without having to outline it out for myself.

of course i end up talking about books, because books seem to be currently keeping me alive. i think i can officially be called anti-social. i have a few friends that are worth venturing away from my books for but for the most part, it's all about my books and i. we are the main plot in a very boring, anti-social story.

lastly, i'm listening to Britney Spears right now. the old stuff, not the weird If You Seek Amy junk. in case you're questioning me, i actually do have good taste in music.

where's a wishing well when you need one?

I wish my hair was at least 5 inches longer than it is now.

I wish I could feel as strong as I know I am. (I'm not talking about how much I can bench press if you were wondering.)

I wish my mind could branch out more on what I want it to branch out on.
-Speaking of my mind, I wish I had some sort of control over it. It's as if my mind has a mind of it's own. Imagine that, a mind having a mind of it's own. It happens.

I wish I didn't break or lose every pair of reading glasses I buy, it really slows down my novels per week amount.

I hope --to give you a change of words-- that I have the nerve to really reach for what is so close. It's not that I'd pull a muscle in my arm reaching, it's just that I don't know if I have it in me.

I would like to make peace with the way I annoy myself by being so quiet all the time when I actually have a seemingly never ending depth to me. Obviously I'm deep, my mind has a mind of it's own you know.

I wish I had the guts to swear. Everyone else in my life seems to have no problem swearing.

I wish I could tell every person I love exactly how much I love them. As if love can really be described.

I also wish I had the guts to say I'm taking a shot at writing. Look at that, I said it. (Like you didn't see that coming.)

I suppose I could admit just about anything on this, no one really reads it. Except the occasional look upon. I don't have much anything to admit though. Which is odd because someone with my depth and additional mind, you'd think I'd have plenty to confess.